Goodbye 2009

It is snowing and the world looks beautiful from my kitchen out to the dead end where I live. This year is over and I am not sorry to put it behind me.
This has not been my best year. Earlier in the year, we struggled with an 18 year old's growing pains. My step-daughter's husband left her for the 2nd time with 3 young children for another woman he had never met in person. Most importantly, my beautiful mother passed away after a 2 year struggle with breast cancer. I watched her fight to live. After months of chemo and radiation, a mastectomy, MRSA staff infections and partial stomach removal, I watched her slowly die. A little each day. Her passing has been the most pivotal, heart wrenching, life changing event so far. I miss her everyday and will forever hold her deep within my soul. She will always be with me, but oh how I long to converse with her and hear her voice.
On a positive note, there have been some high notes this year. Due to the absence of my Mother, my brother and I have gotten closer. We have always lived very different lives. He is single and has no children. I have been raising a son for almost 19 years and paying a mortgage most of my life. Ken (my brother) and I do not have friends on common nor do we socialize together. What we do have in common, is pain. The pain of losing our mother. The tie that binds. She held us all together as most mother's do. Through that pain, I have reached out to him. I have wanted and needed to talk to him because he is feeling what I am. Unless you have lost a parent, you cannot fathom the flood of emotions you experience. You have always known it would be painful, you just never knew how deeply if infiltrated every corner of your life. Slowly, we are building a relationship that should have been there all along. I have seen him rise to the occasion and take on responsibilities all too new to him. The main one being role reversal. He now has to take care of my father who he lives with. Believe me, that in itself is no easy feat. I am proud of Ken.
Another high note was, for the first time since I have owned a home (27 years) my father stayed overnight on Christmas day. I know he was so out of his comfort zone being the creature of habit that he is who hates change. This was my Dad struggling and really reaching out to be closer. I hope there will be more "sleepovers" This was our 1st Christmas without our Mother and Wife and it was hard. I know it was hard for my Dad. Him and my Mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in June. She passed away in October. They struggle everyday in that house surounded by her things. An unfinished life. Does anyone actually finish their life? No they do not. Every death is a life interrupted. I often wonder if she were here, what she would have wanted for Christmas. Then I see the irony of that. She needed nothing. She would have wanted more time with her family. She would have wanted to know that my Dad and Ken and I were OK. That we were taking care of one another. She would have wanted to know that her only Grandson Tim was going to finish be the 1st to finish college. Rest peacefully Mom with the Lord. Except for missing you, we are all OK. We are growing together amidst our grief. Learning new things about one another and having a whole new respect for one another. You would be so proud. I wish you could see it. Maybe you can. I hope so.
Goodbye to 2009. Have a happy, blessed and safe New Year.