Goodbye 2009

It is snowing and the world looks beautiful from my kitchen out to the dead end where I live. This year is over and I am not sorry to put it behind me.
This has not been my best year. Earlier in the year, we struggled with an 18 year old's growing pains. My step-daughter's husband left her for the 2nd time with 3 young children for another woman he had never met in person. Most importantly, my beautiful mother passed away after a 2 year struggle with breast cancer. I watched her fight to live. After months of chemo and radiation, a mastectomy, MRSA staff infections and partial stomach removal, I watched her slowly die. A little each day. Her passing has been the most pivotal, heart wrenching, life changing event so far. I miss her everyday and will forever hold her deep within my soul. She will always be with me, but oh how I long to converse with her and hear her voice.
On a positive note, there have been some high notes this year. Due to the absence of my Mother, my brother and I have gotten closer. We have always lived very different lives. He is single and has no children. I have been raising a son for almost 19 years and paying a mortgage most of my life. Ken (my brother) and I do not have friends on common nor do we socialize together. What we do have in common, is pain. The pain of losing our mother. The tie that binds. She held us all together as most mother's do. Through that pain, I have reached out to him. I have wanted and needed to talk to him because he is feeling what I am. Unless you have lost a parent, you cannot fathom the flood of emotions you experience. You have always known it would be painful, you just never knew how deeply if infiltrated every corner of your life. Slowly, we are building a relationship that should have been there all along. I have seen him rise to the occasion and take on responsibilities all too new to him. The main one being role reversal. He now has to take care of my father who he lives with. Believe me, that in itself is no easy feat. I am proud of Ken.
Another high note was, for the first time since I have owned a home (27 years) my father stayed overnight on Christmas day. I know he was so out of his comfort zone being the creature of habit that he is who hates change. This was my Dad struggling and really reaching out to be closer. I hope there will be more "sleepovers" This was our 1st Christmas without our Mother and Wife and it was hard. I know it was hard for my Dad. Him and my Mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in June. She passed away in October. They struggle everyday in that house surounded by her things. An unfinished life. Does anyone actually finish their life? No they do not. Every death is a life interrupted. I often wonder if she were here, what she would have wanted for Christmas. Then I see the irony of that. She needed nothing. She would have wanted more time with her family. She would have wanted to know that my Dad and Ken and I were OK. That we were taking care of one another. She would have wanted to know that her only Grandson Tim was going to finish be the 1st to finish college. Rest peacefully Mom with the Lord. Except for missing you, we are all OK. We are growing together amidst our grief. Learning new things about one another and having a whole new respect for one another. You would be so proud. I wish you could see it. Maybe you can. I hope so.
Goodbye to 2009. Have a happy, blessed and safe New Year.

After watching Juile and Julia, I thought it would be fun to start my own blog. Not having any idea how since I am older (not much) than the computer generation, I had to Google - How to start a blog. It was not as hard as I thought. Thinking of a name was harder. I chose Deb the Web because I have been called that for many years by former coworkers. I am not sure what I am going to write about. I guess it will be about everyday life.
Back to work today after Christmas. I always get a certain sadness after Christmas. The high is over. No more shopping and wrapping, no more secrets and decorations. No more baking. Most of all though, I miss the christmas songs on the radio. The cold turkey is too much. They should wean us through, tapering off a little each day until New Years Day night.
This year I received a Nook put out by Barnes and Noble. It is an electronic handheld devise which you can download books into, very much like the Sony Ereader. I was so excited and had paid upfront to order. I ordered it over a month ago and it was delivered Christmas eve. I was disappointed that I could not connect to the internet to download for 4 days due to the volume of people who received it for Christmas. Not only was I disappointed that I could not use it, but I was aggravated that we had to spend countless hours on hold trying to correct this. Shame on Barnes and Noble. I guess I should be happy I got mine in time for Christmas. Others did not. Well I am off to go try my NOOK. I hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas. I will let you know if it was worth the money and the wait.