I got a new touch phone. Not the Iphone since I have Verizon, but a nice touch phone. Normally, I hate a new phone. I hate getting used to a new phone and I usually hate the phone itself. I like this phone. It took some time to get used to it. New technology is not my thing. I now can play Bejeweled on my phone. I started to think how much has changed in 1 year. I was surprised by how much has.
I year ago, I did not know that Christmas would be my mother's last one. I year ago, I did not have a blog. I didn't even know how to start or set one up. 1year ago, 4 of my friends did not have breast cancer. That is a lot of woman in just my circle. 1 year ago, my son did not have a girlfriend, nor was he in college. 1 year ago, I was not on Facebook communicating with so many people. Past and present. I did not play Yoville or Cafe world or Myfarm or my absolute favorite, Bejeweled Blitz. I was not sending angels and hearts or having food flings. What was I doing before Facebook?
I year ago, I did not have a Nook or a Blu Ray. I did not have a Pandora bracelet. Michael Jackson was still with us. Brad Pitt did not have that nasty beard. (what is that about?) Before Christmas 2009, my father never stayed overnight at my house. 1 year ago I did not know about MRSA much less see people with it and then have it myself. 1 year ago, I was still talking to a "friend" of 30 years who got annoyed at my husband so defriended me on FB. 1 year ago, I did not know Carol or Joe. Two people who I look forward to working with and have brightened
my life. 1 year ago Tracey and Rob had not yet adopted Keke. Concetta had just become a Grandma. Mrs. Ida next door was still with us. Beth was still harrassing us on a daily basis. I am Happy to say she is not and is now working. 1 year ago, Emmet, the Roberts' dog was still with us.
1 year ago, myself, my sister in law Marilyn and Kristen thought we were going to see Barry Manilow as a surprise from our husbands, Turns out the surprise was that we were not. We were going out for Valentine's Dinner. They didn't quite get that the surprise is supposed to be better than the lie you make up to cover the surprise.
I year ago Kristen did not have uggs or a warm coat and Alyssa did not have Heely's. Daniel was not away at college and Joanne was not pregnant. Sandi was not going to Happy Hour. Marie's heart wasn't breaking watching her mother struggle. Joe's friend Rick was still with us. Mim was still my Mom's best friend. Now they are together.
1 year ago, I made the worst coffee. I bought a new pot. That's all it was. It is so cute, a 4 cup Mister Coffee. Now I make a couple of cups every morning with Folgers. 1 year ago, I was not contemplating cutting my hair short and letting it go gray. The constant maintenance and cost is out of control. I am considering it. I think it will be liberating. If you see a profile pic of an old gray haired woman, it's still me. What a difference that would make.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
empty nest again
Well I can breathe again. Sandi has gone home and life is back to normal. Is normal overated? I think maybe. It is quiet and silence can be deafening. A constant reminder that someone is no longer here. That presence everytime you turn around. That person with her Susan Branch gingerbread pajamas that I had given her who would fall asleep on the couch before midnight every night. Our time went by too fast. There was so much we wanted to do other than look up foreign insults in a book in Barnes and Nobles. We didn't have a pork roast. We did have chinese even if we did call the wrong place. I never took you to work to meet "the gang" I did get to try your Iphone and get a high score on Bejeweled Blitz for you. We did find a new saying "schlamshvantz" We bonded with my mother in law Astrid over The "G" spot in Costco and pet names for private parts. We laughed, we ate, we loved. I cried. I miss you and the joy you brought. I wish you were not so far away. Through the years we have had our ups and downs like all families do, but we are family. I know it was not the vacation of your dreams, but you were home and the door will always be open. No, I did not give birth to you, but you are the daughter of my heart and it is not the same without you.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Artie
I spent the day with my Dad on Thursday. Artie is a creature of habit. He does not like change. In the past few months since my Mom has passed away he has had to experience many changes. For the 1st time in 50 years of marriage, he has had to look at the bills. He is amazed at what is costs for cablevision and what he pays for heating oil. He has not had to carry the stress of making ends meet on a fixed income or paying bills in the winter year after year when he was laid off from the Bricklayers union. At this stage of the game, these are harsh realities.
I am mildly amused as well as saddened by the things he now has to do for himself and the subtle changes that I have seen in him. His Christmas gifts wrapped in cellophane and then gift wrap because unless he got a box at the time of purchase, he will not buy one. He does not see the point in wrapping the colored shirt boxes leftover from last year because they are already printed. My father loves to shop and he is generous. My mother on the other hand hated it. He shopped, she wrapped.
My parents house never had a coffee maker. It was and still is a household of tea drinkers. I have noticed whenever we have gone out for lunch or breakfast, he is now ordering coffee. I bring it to his attention and he tells me it is because he goes out everyday with his friend Connie (a man) for coffee. They go to different diners everyday. The last one taking an hour and 15 minutes to get to when it should have been maybe a 1/2 hour drive. Did I mention Connie is 85 years old? He has been a good friend to my Dad and I know Artie is grateful for his company.
I think the most painful thing he has felt he had to do for himself is to write out Christmas cards. He found a box of cards left over from last year and wrote out a few. I cannot describe the pride and the pain I felt when I myself received a Christmas card from my father. To not see - Love, Mom and Dad inscribed at the bottom of that card actually induced a physical ache. I ached for the loss of my mother and I ached for the sadness my father must have felt writing them. To just see "I love you all - Dad" brought me to tears. When I was card shopping, the reality of never again buying Mom and Dad card was hard enough. This was different. It wasn't just my pain. It was shared pain. The thing about the death of a loved one is that there is nothing you can do about it. You have to somehow, accept the changes and do the best you can. Unless you have experienced it, you have no idea how much it changes your life and all the traditions you have been carrying on so far. Nothing is ever the same. That is all I am going to write today because it is just stirring up too much emotion.
I am expecting my step Daughter from California today, so I will have a new subject to write about in the upcoming days.
I am mildly amused as well as saddened by the things he now has to do for himself and the subtle changes that I have seen in him. His Christmas gifts wrapped in cellophane and then gift wrap because unless he got a box at the time of purchase, he will not buy one. He does not see the point in wrapping the colored shirt boxes leftover from last year because they are already printed. My father loves to shop and he is generous. My mother on the other hand hated it. He shopped, she wrapped.
My parents house never had a coffee maker. It was and still is a household of tea drinkers. I have noticed whenever we have gone out for lunch or breakfast, he is now ordering coffee. I bring it to his attention and he tells me it is because he goes out everyday with his friend Connie (a man) for coffee. They go to different diners everyday. The last one taking an hour and 15 minutes to get to when it should have been maybe a 1/2 hour drive. Did I mention Connie is 85 years old? He has been a good friend to my Dad and I know Artie is grateful for his company.
I think the most painful thing he has felt he had to do for himself is to write out Christmas cards. He found a box of cards left over from last year and wrote out a few. I cannot describe the pride and the pain I felt when I myself received a Christmas card from my father. To not see - Love, Mom and Dad inscribed at the bottom of that card actually induced a physical ache. I ached for the loss of my mother and I ached for the sadness my father must have felt writing them. To just see "I love you all - Dad" brought me to tears. When I was card shopping, the reality of never again buying Mom and Dad card was hard enough. This was different. It wasn't just my pain. It was shared pain. The thing about the death of a loved one is that there is nothing you can do about it. You have to somehow, accept the changes and do the best you can. Unless you have experienced it, you have no idea how much it changes your life and all the traditions you have been carrying on so far. Nothing is ever the same. That is all I am going to write today because it is just stirring up too much emotion.
I am expecting my step Daughter from California today, so I will have a new subject to write about in the upcoming days.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Me Time
Noone is home. I have been alone most of the day except for my cousins stopping by to fix my faucet and then deciding it was too involved and leaving. I like being alone. I enjoy my own company. I accomplish things which I have put off. Piles of paper have been dealt with. Christmas decorations have been put away. I have not taken the tree down. I always leave that up longer. I dusted, something which my friend Kristen would say is about time. I rearranged family photos. I made phone calls for my Dad and found out why he hasn't gotten his pension or social security check yet. I went through bills. I did not pay any, but I sorted them. I made decisions. I decided we will go to The Cheesecake factory for dinner Sunday when my stepdaughter Sandi comes from California for a visit. I decided I am not cooking. I am tired of cooking and hosting. I can cook. I am a good cook. I just wish someone would cook for me sometimes. (like my husband) Iwould like to come home from work and dinner is waiting for me one night. I would like to not spend every holiday in the kitchen, but I do love my family, (and my own cooking) so I do it for them.
My house is clean and ready for company after dinner on Sunday. The tree lights are on and a candle is burning. I will pour a glass of wine and slip into my clawfoot tub and enjoy my me time. I will count my blessings.
My house is clean and ready for company after dinner on Sunday. The tree lights are on and a candle is burning. I will pour a glass of wine and slip into my clawfoot tub and enjoy my me time. I will count my blessings.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
America's sweetheart
Snowing again. Housebound lately. I still have people to see and presents to give out. They will wait. For now they are under the tree. I always leave mine up longer than most people. I hate taking the tree down. I miss it. I love to turn it on late at night when I am all alone in the dark and just look at the lights. It has always been my favorite part of Christmas. Every ornament like an old friend you haven't seen for a while. Each one having their own story to tell.
Some presents will still be here even after the tree is down. Until then, I will continue to watch movies on my new Blu Ray player. Curled up in a ball waiting for the snow to melt and Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Big Bang Theory and Modern Family to return with new episodes.
Last night I rented All About Steve with Sandra Bullock. I always seem to enjoy her movies. I got to thinking why does Julia Roberts have the title of Americas sweetheart? I can't even remember the last time I watched one of her movies. Did she have her day in the sun. absolutely! But it is time for her to hand over her title. All About Steve was funny. Sandra brings something that other actors can't. Hometown quality. The girl next door. Not gorgeous but pretty. Naturally pretty. She illuminates an inner warmth that comes across on the screen. You can identify with her. She is not unapproachable. She has a quirkiness that interests you just enough to not be annoying. I loved this movie. It is a character unlike any other she has played. A catholic Jewish girl named Mary Magdeline Horowitz. A super smart workaholic gullible nerd who talks way too much. She is filled with quirks. She creates crossword puzzles for a newspaper. She plays this character with heart and she will touch yours. Think back to some of her previous movies. Imfamous, Hope Floats, Crash, Miss Congeniality, The Proposal, 2 Week Notice, Yaya Sisterhood and While You Were Sleeping. Has she ever let you down? I say when in doubt as to what to rent, go through Sandra Bullocks catalog or get out of the house and go see Blind Side. I hear it's great. Oscar whispers. Congratulations Sandra. You deserve it. I will be rooting for you from the couch. You are my American Sweetheart.
Some presents will still be here even after the tree is down. Until then, I will continue to watch movies on my new Blu Ray player. Curled up in a ball waiting for the snow to melt and Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Big Bang Theory and Modern Family to return with new episodes.
Last night I rented All About Steve with Sandra Bullock. I always seem to enjoy her movies. I got to thinking why does Julia Roberts have the title of Americas sweetheart? I can't even remember the last time I watched one of her movies. Did she have her day in the sun. absolutely! But it is time for her to hand over her title. All About Steve was funny. Sandra brings something that other actors can't. Hometown quality. The girl next door. Not gorgeous but pretty. Naturally pretty. She illuminates an inner warmth that comes across on the screen. You can identify with her. She is not unapproachable. She has a quirkiness that interests you just enough to not be annoying. I loved this movie. It is a character unlike any other she has played. A catholic Jewish girl named Mary Magdeline Horowitz. A super smart workaholic gullible nerd who talks way too much. She is filled with quirks. She creates crossword puzzles for a newspaper. She plays this character with heart and she will touch yours. Think back to some of her previous movies. Imfamous, Hope Floats, Crash, Miss Congeniality, The Proposal, 2 Week Notice, Yaya Sisterhood and While You Were Sleeping. Has she ever let you down? I say when in doubt as to what to rent, go through Sandra Bullocks catalog or get out of the house and go see Blind Side. I hear it's great. Oscar whispers. Congratulations Sandra. You deserve it. I will be rooting for you from the couch. You are my American Sweetheart.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
After thoughts
Well 2010 is here. Time to reflect about the past year and make resolutions for this year. 2009 was a strange year. An African American president, The death of Michael Jackson, more troops to Afghanistan, Healthcare reform, prop. 8 and same-sex marriage, tea parties, H1N1, balloon boy and Adam Lampert. The newest headliner that even if we tried to forget, the media would not allow us to - the mess Tiger Woods has made of his life. How does one throw away everything he has worked for his whole life for a bunch of broads?
On a more personal note, I lost my Mother as you all know, contacted MRSA from a pedicure, discovered Facebook, figured out my Nook and made peace with a neighbor. I am learning to declutter and trying to learn to let go of the apron strings of my 18 year old.
2009 was the year 3 friends of mine were diagnosed with breast cancer. Two of which have had mastectomys. All 3 women different from one another. Different backgrounds, different body types, different beliefs, different incomes and different lifestyles. These 3 different women having one common denominator. Breast cancer and my friendship. All 3 women having a separate special place in my heart. I wish you all a happy and healthy 2010. Do not give up the fight.
On a more personal note, I lost my Mother as you all know, contacted MRSA from a pedicure, discovered Facebook, figured out my Nook and made peace with a neighbor. I am learning to declutter and trying to learn to let go of the apron strings of my 18 year old.
2009 was the year 3 friends of mine were diagnosed with breast cancer. Two of which have had mastectomys. All 3 women different from one another. Different backgrounds, different body types, different beliefs, different incomes and different lifestyles. These 3 different women having one common denominator. Breast cancer and my friendship. All 3 women having a separate special place in my heart. I wish you all a happy and healthy 2010. Do not give up the fight.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Goodbye 2009
It is snowing and the world looks beautiful from my kitchen out to the dead end where I live. This year is over and I am not sorry to put it behind me.
This has not been my best year. Earlier in the year, we struggled with an 18 year old's growing pains. My step-daughter's husband left her for the 2nd time with 3 young children for another woman he had never met in person. Most importantly, my beautiful mother passed away after a 2 year struggle with breast cancer. I watched her fight to live. After months of chemo and radiation, a mastectomy, MRSA staff infections and partial stomach removal, I watched her slowly die. A little each day. Her passing has been the most pivotal, heart wrenching, life changing event so far. I miss her everyday and will forever hold her deep within my soul. She will always be with me, but oh how I long to converse with her and hear her voice.
On a positive note, there have been some high notes this year. Due to the absence of my Mother, my brother and I have gotten closer. We have always lived very different lives. He is single and has no children. I have been raising a son for almost 19 years and paying a mortgage most of my life. Ken (my brother) and I do not have friends on common nor do we socialize together. What we do have in common, is pain. The pain of losing our mother. The tie that binds. She held us all together as most mother's do. Through that pain, I have reached out to him. I have wanted and needed to talk to him because he is feeling what I am. Unless you have lost a parent, you cannot fathom the flood of emotions you experience. You have always known it would be painful, you just never knew how deeply if infiltrated every corner of your life. Slowly, we are building a relationship that should have been there all along. I have seen him rise to the occasion and take on responsibilities all too new to him. The main one being role reversal. He now has to take care of my father who he lives with. Believe me, that in itself is no easy feat. I am proud of Ken.
Another high note was, for the first time since I have owned a home (27 years) my father stayed overnight on Christmas day. I know he was so out of his comfort zone being the creature of habit that he is who hates change. This was my Dad struggling and really reaching out to be closer. I hope there will be more "sleepovers" This was our 1st Christmas without our Mother and Wife and it was hard. I know it was hard for my Dad. Him and my Mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in June. She passed away in October. They struggle everyday in that house surounded by her things. An unfinished life. Does anyone actually finish their life? No they do not. Every death is a life interrupted. I often wonder if she were here, what she would have wanted for Christmas. Then I see the irony of that. She needed nothing. She would have wanted more time with her family. She would have wanted to know that my Dad and Ken and I were OK. That we were taking care of one another. She would have wanted to know that her only Grandson Tim was going to finish be the 1st to finish college. Rest peacefully Mom with the Lord. Except for missing you, we are all OK. We are growing together amidst our grief. Learning new things about one another and having a whole new respect for one another. You would be so proud. I wish you could see it. Maybe you can. I hope so.
Goodbye to 2009. Have a happy, blessed and safe New Year.
This has not been my best year. Earlier in the year, we struggled with an 18 year old's growing pains. My step-daughter's husband left her for the 2nd time with 3 young children for another woman he had never met in person. Most importantly, my beautiful mother passed away after a 2 year struggle with breast cancer. I watched her fight to live. After months of chemo and radiation, a mastectomy, MRSA staff infections and partial stomach removal, I watched her slowly die. A little each day. Her passing has been the most pivotal, heart wrenching, life changing event so far. I miss her everyday and will forever hold her deep within my soul. She will always be with me, but oh how I long to converse with her and hear her voice.
On a positive note, there have been some high notes this year. Due to the absence of my Mother, my brother and I have gotten closer. We have always lived very different lives. He is single and has no children. I have been raising a son for almost 19 years and paying a mortgage most of my life. Ken (my brother) and I do not have friends on common nor do we socialize together. What we do have in common, is pain. The pain of losing our mother. The tie that binds. She held us all together as most mother's do. Through that pain, I have reached out to him. I have wanted and needed to talk to him because he is feeling what I am. Unless you have lost a parent, you cannot fathom the flood of emotions you experience. You have always known it would be painful, you just never knew how deeply if infiltrated every corner of your life. Slowly, we are building a relationship that should have been there all along. I have seen him rise to the occasion and take on responsibilities all too new to him. The main one being role reversal. He now has to take care of my father who he lives with. Believe me, that in itself is no easy feat. I am proud of Ken.
Another high note was, for the first time since I have owned a home (27 years) my father stayed overnight on Christmas day. I know he was so out of his comfort zone being the creature of habit that he is who hates change. This was my Dad struggling and really reaching out to be closer. I hope there will be more "sleepovers" This was our 1st Christmas without our Mother and Wife and it was hard. I know it was hard for my Dad. Him and my Mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in June. She passed away in October. They struggle everyday in that house surounded by her things. An unfinished life. Does anyone actually finish their life? No they do not. Every death is a life interrupted. I often wonder if she were here, what she would have wanted for Christmas. Then I see the irony of that. She needed nothing. She would have wanted more time with her family. She would have wanted to know that my Dad and Ken and I were OK. That we were taking care of one another. She would have wanted to know that her only Grandson Tim was going to finish be the 1st to finish college. Rest peacefully Mom with the Lord. Except for missing you, we are all OK. We are growing together amidst our grief. Learning new things about one another and having a whole new respect for one another. You would be so proud. I wish you could see it. Maybe you can. I hope so.
Goodbye to 2009. Have a happy, blessed and safe New Year.
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